S… for smiles you created with each sight of you
S…for sunshine radiating with your showing, even in rain
S…for songs your voice discovered singing
S…for sunflowers turning toward the sun with shades of secrets kept
S…for simplicity that is your love
S…for shadows in which you moved
S…for stories shaped by you
S…for silence saddening your spirit
S…for suicide stealing you away
S…for Shelby
Good morning, my daughter.
Good morning, mama.
Well… I made it through Christmas and now we are on the eve of a new year. 2020… the year that kept giving. You came to me for a visit.
I know… I was there, but please, tell me.
I was home, but you know how it is in dreams, it is the same but different. Anyway, the front door opened and entered you did, with Jordan behind you carrying a black bag twice the size of a seabag. Your face bore a smile. I embraced you and said, “Oh, there you are…” which is what I say in each dream that finds you there. Your smiling face, so beautiful, you responded, “I just needed to get away.” Christmas Eve night it was when we again saw each other. I awoke Christmas Day with the reminder that you are no longer here.
But I am with you.
Yes, my sweet pea, I know you are with me, but it is not quite the same.
I know.
So, it got me thinking about 2020 and the way it started and all that has happened and what has not happened.
Would you like to tell me?
Yes. Would that be okay?
Absolutely, because although I was with you all along, I want you to tell me.
You know how people say it is time to move on?
Yes, it is rather irritating.
I agree. Moving on implies we leave the past behind and that is true, but for some things that happen in life, it is not moving on, it is moving forward.
You found yourself doing both this year, didn’t you?
Yes, I did.
Did it hurt?
Yes. Moving on… I moved on from some relationships that I learned were never going to be healthy and were never going to be based on love. It saddened and angered me, but I learned this year I can never change another person.
But you wanted to try, didn’t you?
Of course, because that is who I am, I guess.
I know mama, you tried with me, gave me everything your had and your whole heart, but you could not change my hurt. How are you doing with that?
With you?
Yes.
It has been a journey… dark days, darker nights… worry for your brother, your dad, but I cannot change them. I cannot do anything for them other than love them and support them, but the road they choose it theirs alone. Then, my heart that will never be whole. Learning that a part of me will always be absent… not easy.
You are moving on then?
From you?
Yes.
Never. With you, I am moving forward for your past is my past and I am never going to leave that, leave you behind. It made me who I am, you made me who I am, and I am moving forward with all of it: the joy; the happiness; the moments that became memories; the pain; the hurt; but most of all the love because you are love.
And the moving on?
I am moving on from empty relationships, you know the ones I mean.
I do.
And moving forward with you, and the relationships that are built on unconditional love. You know those too.
I do.
Time to move on from 2020 and move forward into 2021. I miss you, my girl.
We shall see each other again.
I know. Until then, you will move forward with me. I love you.
I love you more.
I love you the most.
I loved you first.
Mad Hatter: “In the gardens of memory, in the palace of dreams, that is where you and I will meet.”
Alice: “But a dream isn’t reality.”
Mad Hatter: “Who’s to say which is which?”
Alice Through the Looking Glass
“We meet everyday in the gardens of my memories.”
“I enjoy our time together among the sunflowers.”
“I watched a documentary the other night. I felt as if I was watching our, your, story.”
“Will you share?”
“Of course, but first remember your words, ‘It’s like everyone is seeing how I’ve been feeling this entire time on the inside of my body cause now its affecting the outside of my body. I’ve been falling to pieces for years inside and now everyone can see what I’ve always been feeling. It sucks.’ Remember?”
“I do.”
“In this documentary, a man was describing his story of childhood trauma and finally getting the help he needed. He finally found a doctor who stopped labeling him. The doctor told him, “You are this way because of something that happened to you. You have a story that’s not been diagnosed.” He was told the labels didn’t make sense, trauma victims blame themselves, and the arch enemy, the fiend is the truth, but your reality is not allowed to be seen and to be known, and that is the true trauma. I cried because he was describing you. So many memories flooded back. Memories of desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would stop labeling you, who would see you, listen to you, help you heal. Then the words that it’s not mental illness but mental injury…”
“You okay?”
“No, not really. I thought there was time, I thought we’d have time…”
“It’s okay now, momma.”
“Yes and no. A friend said to me, “God answered your prayer to heal her, just not in the way you wanted.” A hug, your hug… just one hug… you always said I gave the best hugs, but really it was you who gave the best hugs. I miss your hugs most of all because they were so complete, so full of unconditional love.”
“We shall hug again…”
“I know, my precious daughter. You weren’t mentally ill, your were mentally injured. Doctors who prescribed drugs only hurt you more because those drugs didn’t help you, they hurt you more by altering your mind. I wish I could go back… I would tell that first doctor to go to hell. I’m sorry I trusted him, a doctor who didn’t care about you in a system that cared even less. I’m so sorry.”
“Momma…”
“I know, how could I know? It doesn’t really help though when I’m trapped in the garden of memories.”
“Momma?”
“Yes?”
“Remember?”
“Remember??”
“I sent you a picture with the words, “God is restoring everything the enemy has stolen!” I wrote, “You know those days where you think God forgot you and you can feel the pain crushing you and then something catches your eye cause it’s not in the ordinary of your things? I read this the other day during one of those moments and I think it’s great. 🙂 I hope it helps you too.” God has restored to me everything the enemy stole because I’m whole now. It’s His promise to you as well. I love you momma.”
“I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.”
“I love you more.”
“I love you the most.”
“I loved you first.”
“You are missed, my darling. You were never a burden, by the way. A thousand bad days with you are better than a perfect day without you.”
“I’m still with you…”
ycharper 